Never Knowing
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: What-ifs are no way to go through life, but some things just can't be helped.


Title: Never Knowing  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail: dana_mulder32@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classification: Charmed; Prue angst; Prue/Andy  
  
Spoilers: Season 1; "Deja Vu All Over Again"  
  
Disclaimer: "Charmed" is the property of Constance M. Burge, Spelling Entertainment, and the WB. This is for entertainment only, and no infringement is intended.  
  
Distribution: My site, Bound, and anywhere else is fine, as long as you ask permission first.  
  
Written: 12/03  
  
Summary: What-ifs are no way to go through life, but some things just can't be helped.  
  
A/N: This is depressing. Go me.  
  
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Prue tried to comfort herself with the fact that Andy knew she loved him when he died. But in some ways, she decided, that seemingly small, unplanned confession had only made things worse.  
  
She was the strong one, the one that never lost control, the one who always held it together. Now the pain of her loss washed over her in drowning waves, and she didn't know how to be so strong anymore.  
  
Her sisters knew she cried herself to sleep every night in the weeks following Andy's death. They heard the painful, heart-wrenching sobs from the other side of her door. Piper and Phoebe had many late night debates about whether to go in and support her or not. They knew as much as Prue would understand their intentions, she wouldn't appreciate being seen in what she would consider a position of weakness. Not even by those dearest to her.  
  
Prue knew they knew by the looks they gave her each morning as she came down for the breakfast she barely touched, and went off to the job she slaved at to keep her thoughts away from him. To keep from analyzing what she could've done differently; how things might have turned out if the unthinkable hadn't happened.  
  
She'd lived with what-ifs her entire life.  
  
What if her mother hadn't died?  
  
What if her father hadn't left them?  
  
What if she hadn't had to be the surrogate mother to her two baby sisters?  
  
Would she be a different person now?  
  
Prue Halliwell was cloaked in sadness, even before this latest tragedy. The great weight of the responsibilities she felt, coupled with all the loss she'd suffered in her short life showed. It showed in the way she carried herself, the smile that rarely reached her eyes, her fierce, unwavering protectiveness of the only family she had left.  
  
She couldn't shake it, couldn't change it, so she'd simply learned to live with it. Every day it threatened to take her down into its dark depths; to imprison her forever, and she fought to stay in the light.  
  
But the sadness... it always remained.  
  
Andy had come to her and told her that he would always be with her, and some nights she could swear that he was. She knew he was a good man who kept his promises, but it would never be the same.  
  
Maybe they would never have been able to work things out enough to have a romantic relationship, but short of her sisters he'd been the best friend she'd ever had. She missed his smile, those lively blue eyes, his touch. The way he looked at her, the sound of his voice... All of the things that had been familiar to her for so many years of her life.  
  
The things that had been taken from her by another damn demon.  
  
It wasn't fair to anyone. Not to her, and certainly not to Andy. She couldn't help thinking that if he'd never been involved with her, in her life, that he'd still be alive. But she also knew she'd never have given up the chance to know him or the times they'd shared. She knew he wouldn't have either, because no matter how things had been between them, she'd always felt the depth of his love.  
  
He'd died the way he'd lived, trying to protect people. Trying to protect her and her sisters. She only wished he'd understood they could've done it on their own. At least then he could've moved on with his life if there really was no chance for them. Then again, someday they might've worked it out.  
  
Either way, she would never know, and that's what drove her crazy and kept her up at night. For all that she had been through, it was the never knowing that hurt worst of all.  
  
Fin 


End file.
